Last month I put all my writing energy into Camp NaNoWriMo, which is a mini-version of the November event and more flexible. I’ve wanted to do NaNoWriMo for over a decade, but 50,000 words in one month, and fiction no less, has always daunted me so I only kept it in the back of my mind all these years.
However, this year I found out about Camp, and you set your own limit to be a winner (can start as low as 10,000 words) and it wasn’t necessary to write fiction. Busy or not, it’s time to write. April’s camp I attempted fiction, which I hadn’t tried for almost 20 years, and got as far as 2100 words. Not bad, I suppose, but not great either.
So, I decided I needed to be a winner during July’s Camp, especially since I could purchase Scrivener for 50% off and stop using the trial version.
I ditched the fiction since it’s still a struggle, and started two different topics that I quickly hit roadblocks on. One was rhubarb of all things, which I was temporarily obsessed with a month ago since I had it coming out of my ears and was looking up recipe after recipe.
I quickly tired of rhubarb, and found there is competition in the rhubarb e-book world anyway, but I needed something I could write 10K words in a month. Once again, writing about my life came up.
My boring life? Really?
I’ve tossed this idea about for a number of years. I’m a former Mormon lesbian/bisexual living with (and caregiver for) a disabled but bullying partner. And we live with way too many cats in our house. Maybe I can get an interesting spin on that.
I deal a lot with feelings and frustrations, and determined that what I need to work on most is storytelling, especially since I’m doing the official NaNoWriMo this year. If I can’t be a storyteller, then I can’t write fiction, right?
Only, I let myself ramble and rant since I both needed the word count and had immediate thoughts to get out, but I still kept that in check. I kind of did an outline as I went and shared memories here and there. When I revise, I’ll add more stories as I remember them as well.
So, July is over and I made my 10K words on July 31 with several hours to spare.
It also reinforced the fact that I want a different life. And every time I convince myself to stay, words are said or things are done where I hear that voice in my head scream “PACK UP AND LEAVE. NOW!”
I don’t want to be with my partner. I want to be able to share my hopes and dreams without getting a lecture. I want to express my opinions without setting my partner on a rant before I get a full sentence out. I want some solitude without my partner going to pieces because she can’t spent a minute without me. I want a partner that can do things without needing me , especially things I hate doing/and or totally suck at when she can call a friend that’s an expert in the task. I want a partner that doesn’t go into either hysterics or an uncontrollable fit of rage when something bad happens (which is a common occurrence). Most of all, I want to be able to share good things and accomplishments, and to have my partner actually be happy for me and share in the joy. I know my partner struggles with self worth, but I’ve been her enabler year after year after year while she’s cut me down at every turn. I have tried as hard as I could to help her in the past, but I can’t help her. It has to come from her.
I don’t want to be in the animal rescue “business”. I actually never wanted it–I’m really not that selfless and don’t like a lot of animals in my house. My animal saving started out in a totally different path, but my partner likes to collect animals. She wants to bring home every stray and abused animal and then demand I take care of them (supposedly she took care of animals she took in before I was in the picture). I even started a blog about starting and running an animal rescue since I’m very experience at it now, but after writing the first 2 intense posts, I lost interest. I may know a lot about the functions of an animal rescue, but I am way too burned out. I’m still passionate about animals, but not the rescue work. I’ll be sharing my dreams for that at a later point.
I also want to chuck 99% of the stuff in our house in the trash. My partner loves objects, I don’t. I don’t need a lot of physical things. She does. And she’s disappointed in the way I don’t spend enough time taking care of all the objects we own. Once an object is purchased, it’s my responsibility.
I actually dreamed last night that I was no longer with my partner, which meant I was automatically out of our rescue. It felt good.
However, I was already with someone, right after the breakup. It was a man, which wasn’t the surprising part.
I don’t imagine myself with anyone right after the breakup. I want to be alone.
But that wasn’t the dream. I even woke up briefly and fell asleep with the same dream continuing on.
It was weird.
I don’t like confrontation, though, and I hate leaving a mess, so for now I’m still in avoidance mode and convincing myself to stay.
Wine after work helps.
So, onward to National November Writing Month, so maybe I can get at least one dream accomplished.